| Change is not always a good thing |
[09 Nov 2003|07:59pm] |
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indescribable |
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Trouble--Cat Stevens |
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I looked at my youngest son today and realized that he has grown up almost overnight! Gone was my blond cherub and in his place stood this tall young man, cigarette in hand, with a bored expression permanently in residence! He reminds me of Andrea at his age. Oh my God! It's starting again. Pierre, the youngest of my older children is becoming someone foreign to me. It's not that I do not want my children to grow up. I wish only the best for them. It worries me, however, that historically, my children seem to have inherited the Grimaldi bad choice gene. This gene tends to activate in the teen years and have a very strong influence until the mid to late twenties. This it usually dissipates(except in the case of Stephanie, of course). Looking at Pierre, I would venture to say that he is in the first throes of the gene. God save us all.
It is my karma, Maman, to have to watch my children stumble through life just as you had to watch me. How it must of tortured you to watch me rush head-long into disaster again and again. I truly do not know how you endured it, Maman!
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| Sadness |
[19 Oct 2003|09:24pm] |
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Sorry seems to be the hardest word |
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My son is in pain and I am helpless to ease it. I always thought that I would be relieved when his relationship with David Beckham ended, and I am, but I am saddened by Andrea's heartbreak. He is clearly shattered by this turn of events. I cannot find the words to say to him. His pain is real, rather I agreed with the relationship or not. I owe him the respect of silence. I do not wish to hurt him further.
I know that I am not the only parent who wanted to save their children from everything that could cause them pain. I now see that that is just not possible. So I must just stand back, pray and watch.
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| Overjoyed |
[25 Aug 2003|07:54pm] |
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I spent the afternoon with my oldest daughter. We watched a movie and laughed and ate popcorn. It felt so good hear her laughter and see her smile. It seems like so long since we spent time together. I looked at her out of the corner of my eye when she didn't know I was watching. She is beautiful, my daughter. I can see Maman and Stefano there in her eyes. Yet most of her is uniquely Charlotte. She is filled with all the dreams and wishes of any 17 year old girl. I hope life treats her kindly.
As I watched her, I made a decision to be closer to all my children, for they are the most important people in my life. I want to talk to Andrea, talk and truly listen to him.
I went in tonight and kissed Pierre as he lay sleeping, something I haven't done in years. I don't want to turn around and realise that my younger son has gone in the footsteps of his siblings. I want to enjoy him for as long as I can.
Alex will be with me for a while, but I know one day she too will find her way out into the world. But not tonight. No, tonight I will hold my baby close and pray for time to stand still.
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| A mother's memories |
[02 Aug 2003|02:36pm] |
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Tomorrow is Charlotte's birthday. I remember the day she was born. Stefano was so happy that our child was a girl. I had a difficult time getting him to put her down. He had such high hopes for her and our other children. I think he would be proud of them for the most part, but she would not be blatantly living with the Prince of Wales if her father were alive.
I called Donatella months ago and ordered an outfit for her. I cannot bare to not acknowledge my daughter's birthday. I made sure that it will be delivered to her residence tomorrow.
Andrea is somewhere on the island of Ibiza. I shudder to think of what he is doing and with whom. I have been to that island myself and I did things that I would never admit, so I pray he comes back in one piece with his memory intact.
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[22 Jul 2003|08:02pm] |
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I am wondering if I should acknowledge Charlotte's birthday. It is coming up soon. To be honest, my life is peaceful when I don't speak directly to her. I get reports on her daily activities, but I have not sought to have a conversation with her in several weeks. I do this for much the same reason I avoid my sister's company. Charlotte has been sick of late and would probably blame her illness on my presence if I were near.
My daughter will be 17 on 3 August. I am told that she is living with William. This helped me make the decision to sell her London flat to David Beckham. Mr. Beckham had contacted me with an interest in buying Charlotte's flat that is adjacent to Andrea's residence. He told me that Charlotte no longer lived there and it would give Andrea a certain measure of security and privacy. So I decided to sell it to him. The security is good and the two of them will be safer there.
Although I do not condone their relationship, I realize that Andrea will live his life as he wishes. If I facilitate his relationship, he will be safe from the horrible London media. I also realized if I fight Andrea, David Beckham looks that much more appealing. Hopefully if I show support for the relationship, the infatuation will pass quickly.
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| Thoughtful |
[17 Jul 2003|08:43pm] |
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Andrea and I spoke at length about his current situation. He told me that while he understood my concerns about his choices, he intends to continue to lead his life as he so wishes. Discreetly.
He is almost a man now. I could force him to stop this, but I can't bare to, anymore than I can force Charlotte to come home. I will not tell Ernst about this, for he would tell me to use whatever means necessary to bring Andrea to his senses. I think that this is a bad choice, but there is not chance that Andrea will marry David Beckham and David Beckham will not became pregnant. But unlike my brother, Andrea must marry a suitable woman at some point and have an heir.
I watched Rear Window today just to see you, Maman. I miss you so.
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| Andrea |
[08 Jul 2003|08:05pm] |
I had to find out from an acquaintance that my son was seen in Finland with a gang of young people and with no body guards in sight. I contact the men hired to protect him and they reluctantly admitted that they had lost Andrea at a coffee house not far from his apartment. This time, he has gone too far! He is too important to Monaco to be taking such chances! He could have easily been kidnapped or hurt in some way. Because of the seriousness of this, I confided in my brother, hoping that he might be able to reason with my son. He assured me that he would do his best to reach out to Andrea and talk to him about the path his life is taking.
I am worried, Maman. Worried and frightened for the future. I have been so consumed by Andrea and Charlotte that I have not had time to be a decent mother to my other children. Pierre is silent and secretive. No doubt he is angered by my preoccupation with his siblings. I haven't gotten a chance to enjoy watching Alix grow up for arguing with her father about how best to deal with this situation.
I am so terrified that I will lose him like I lost his father. I have nightmares that Andrea will be gone in a moment, just as Stefano was.
I wouldn't survive the loss of my son, the part of Stefano that was still with me.
I pray that the Blessed Virgin watches over my wayward child.
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| My son has lost his mind |
[05 Jul 2003|08:22am] |
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I cannot believe... just when I thought that it couldn't get any worse! Dear God, Poppa will be crushed by this. Andrea has done this to spite me because of Charlotte. He not only chooses a man for his next sexual encounter, he choose the most famous and most photographed man in Europe!
This is a stage, just a stage I am sure of it! Please God, let it be a stage. But even in that case, the press follow David Beckham's every move! They are sure to be seen! Oh my God, this is a disaster!!
Andrea has lost his mind....
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| Dinner with my son |
[02 Jul 2003|03:16am] |
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I had dinner with Andrea and his lovely date, Kristanna. I congratulated her on her coming movie success. It was so good to see Andrea. I haven't seen him in several weeks. I saw that he truly was becoming a man and that the burden of his birth was beginning to weigh on him. I tried to tell him of the folly of singing in a band. Indeed, the papers had screamed that he was trying to be a "rock star" and brought up Stephanie's horrible experience with a singing career. It terrifies me that the public will see the heir to the throne as just another laughing stock like his Aunt.
Other than that small comment, I said nothing about my displeasure of his choices. He was my son and I didn't want to drive him away. He reminds me so much of Stefano. We spoke briefly of Charlotte and my decision to stop supporting her in London. I tried to explain that she seemed to not have any thought for her future. She is a sixteen year old girl with her whole life ahead of her. I don't want her to look at her past and cringe in shame. Andrea did his best to defend her choices, but I told him that I feel that I must do something to stop her from making a fool of herself.
Andrea played with his sister and spoke kindly to Ernst, but I could see that he wanted to leave early in the evening. I have driven him away. Did you feel this way when I was young, Maman? Did you fear losing me forever when you knew that you were doing things for my own good?
May you rest in peace, Maman. I love you and I am so sorry for the pain I caused you.
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| The Cruelty of Youth |
[29 Jun 2003|09:26am] |
Tears spring to my eyes now when I think of my children. I tried so hard to show them the mistakes I'd made, never hiding anything, in hopes that they would learn from my difficulties.
But, alas, it is not to be. My son is under the mistaken impression that if he does what is expected of him, I will allow his sister to ruin her life as she wishes. I've told him that one has nothing to do with the other. They both have responsibilities that they must answer to.
Ernst is no help. He keeps saying that I should just take a harder approach and stop supporting Andrea and Charlotte until they have to come back and live as they must. "Alix will never be wild like they are." I remain silent at his hurtful words. He is a Hanover and in some ways I feel that he looks down on my family. There are no scandals in his family; at least not big ones that hit the papers. But to imply that I did something wrong in raising my older children that he will somehow be able to avoid with Alix is wrong and cruel.
As unhappy with their choices as I may be, I will not stop supporting them and force them home. I have been there. I was angry with Maman and Poppa long after I realized they were right. That is not the way and I will only do it if I am given no other choice.
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| A Mother’s Prayer |
[25 Jun 2003|09:45pm] |
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L'homme arme - Guillaume Dufay |
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I close my eyes and send a silent prayer to God and my mother for help. My Charlotte is headed for disaster I fear. She insists on continuing her involvement with William. Of all the people she could be with, why did she choose William? Maman, I beg your forgiveness for worrying you so. I now understand how you felt about my first marriage.
Charlotte has deluded herself into thinking there is a future for her with him in England. She thinks of the Windsors are the kindly family she has met on occasion. They are nice to my daughter because they have no cause not to be. But Charlotte is a Roman Catholic. Heirs to the British Throne have been barred from marrying Roman Catholics since the time of Henry VIII. She is not aware that any member of that family that is in line for the Throne, even if it is very distant, has to relinquish their place in line to marry a Catholic. The Queen would never allow William to do that. Peter Phillips, possibly or even Prince Harry, but never William.
If this affair is allowed to continue, my beautiful Princess Charlotte will be relegated to being a mistress to a British King.
This I will never allow.
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[22 Jun 2003|09:54pm] |
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La Boheme |
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The hardest thing for any mother is letting go of a child. It seems like yesterday that I heard these words from my own mother. I remembered them as I watched the news covering Prince William's twenty- first birthday. Was that graceful girl at his side my little Charlotte?
And my sweet Andrea, my firstborn, the child of my heart, the papers call him a man now. They are full of his trysts with actresses, models, singers and some “mystery girlfriend”. Why can our children not learn from our mistakes? I’ve fought my own battles with these rags but how different it is when it is your child they exploit.
My little Pierre grown tall is so eager to follow in his brother's footsteps. It is only a matter of time, which passes much too quickly.
It is only in baby Alex, playing with her dolls that I find some peace of mind but for how long? Was Charlotte not there yesterday?
I know they have journals, so I’m here to try and connect with them because I'm not ready to let go.
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